Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Jack Frost: Murderer, D-bag, Whiny Diaper Baby

You know that feeling when it's so cold that each inhalation feels like an icy knife slicing your throat, burning your nostrils with cold fire? When each gust of wind is a bold thief stealing your very life force and will to carry on? When no amount of clothing layering, petroleum jelly slathering, or scary face mask wearing can insolate you from the chill that has become a part of your very soul?

Me neither, until today.

Egads, it's cold out there!

So my question is this: What is your deal, Jack Frost?  Have you lost your effing MIND?

I mean, I'm a Southern Gal.  I'm yellow sundresses, sipping iced tea and spiked lemonade on the front porch, not navy snowsuits scraping, ice off my Mazda's windshield.  There's this white stuff floating around in the air that people are calling snow and it's 14 degrees outside today.  Fourteen degrees and the "real feel" is 0.  What is that?  That's not a real temperature!

This is not MY winter!

My winter is a chilly affair of about 30 degrees where we throw on a sweater and a coat to go outside. We blow in our hands when we come inside. We proclaim, "Woo!  It's cold out there!" with a slight shiver for emphasis and a warm, smug feeling in our hearts that we at least dont have to deal with weather like "those Northerners".  Boy did they pick the wrong side of the Mason- Dixon line. Hee-hee.

But now.  Now!  We're not used to this kind of insanity. Witches tits would shrivel, curl up, and burst into a million little ice particles in this cold.  A couple weeks ago, actual ice fell from the sky!  Ice!  What are you trying to murder us?  We're Sou-ther-ners!  We only take ice in our Hennessey and Cokes.

Just what the holy hell is WRONG with you?

Polar Vortex.  Someone oughta whoop your ass.  What has your superhero underoos all in a bunch?  Easter Bunny won't play with you? Rodney Dangerfield getting more respect?  I DON'T CARE!   You better get your act together and soon.  Nobody cares about your infantile little temper(ature) tantrum.  Stop it!

Best Regards,

Faith D.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Haute Baguette Hand Crafted Jewelry - Classified Ad

Haute Baguette Hand Crafted Jewelry - Classified Ad

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Baby on the way! Just in case you didn't know (Ick factor #2)

I have been absent from the blogosphere for quite a while now. If you noticed I didn't post any in October or November.  I've been a little bit busy.  But I should never be too busy for you, my sporadic readers! 

I apologize for my Houdini act.

So to catch you up: I finally finished college.  Yay!  I'm officially a bachelorette (that's correct, right?) in English and Education.  I made it through the hair pullingly stressful summer finals with most of my hair in tact and finished August 12, barely.

Barely, I say because the week before finals I found out I was, dum da dum, pregnant.   Surprise, surprise!

Of course, it shouldn't be that much of a surprise since I'm married and Adam and I like to do all those fun things that married people like to do: kiss on the lips, hold hands, etc.  But, it was a surprise.  Here I am gearing up to graduate and begin my job search in earnest with some credentials that might actually help me get said job only to find out I'm pregnant.  Arrgh! 

I've  really been looking forward joining the workforce again.  You know, having conversations with adults,   conversations that don't revolved around juice boxes, Disney movies, and  pooping in the potty. Let me tell you, no one wants to hire the pregnant lady, I don't care how many credentials she has.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The bath: Conversations with a three year old

My three year old, Hayden is a handful of boundless energy and one of the funniest people I know, even when he's not trying to be.  Here's one of the many fun conversations we've had recently.

Me:  Do you want something to eat?
Hayden: No!
Me:  You're not hungry?
Hayden: No!
Me: You're sure?
Hayden: No!
Me: Do you want a bath?
Hayden: No!
Me: You need a bath.
Hayden: No!  I don't want to EAT a bath! 

Then he gave me a look like I'd lost my marbles.  Probably because I was having trouble breathing  I was laughing so hard.

Ahh, children!  Any fun conversations with the little one's in your life?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day

Arrr! Today be one of me favorite nonsensical holidays:  September 19th, Talk Like a Pirate Day! It be here ag'in!

Hayden says, ARRGH!
This be a day created by Cap'n Slappy and Ol' Chumbucket otherwise known as John Baur and Mark Summers on June 6th, 1995 while the two played a particularly rousing game of racquetball.   This of course seems like a perfectly wonderful way to come up with an idea fer an international holiday, doesn't it?

Yes, I said International.  Since it's quiet conception in 1995, Talk Like a Pirate Day has become International Talk Like a Pirate Day.  According to the site and a few handy Google searches, Talk like a Pirate Day has become a phenomenon not just in America but in Asia, South Africa, Antarctica, and other places that don't begin with an A.

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